Dec 1997
If it possible to be delirious with joy and relief, and numb at the same time, then that is what I am. 3 days ago, at the same time, as the sun set with a new day 12 hours away, I was in the throes of terror mixed with depression, with some minor bursts of hope and optimism thrown in.
Anup and Condom come back from their respective exams. The others slowly troop back. Some may have failed but no one can tell. Passing and failing is almost an afterthought, what matters is that the scariest, most unpredictable and stressful set of exams a medical student will ever face is now over.
I call my parents and tell them. I can tell that they have been as stressed as I have been, largely because I have been feeding them stories of Final Year and explaining how normal it is to fail, so that if I actually do, the blow will be softened. Failing really is no big deal. One retakes the failed subjects in 6 months-all that is lost is some time. There is no loss of face because it can happen to the best of us.
I close the door of my room and look around at the mess on the floor, on the bed and the table. Over the past few days, life has been a blur. I have hardly eaten a proper meal for the last 15 days. My shorts, once tight, are in danger of slipping unless I wear a belt. My eyes are red.
And I am really tired.
And in major withdrawal.
I am in study withdrawal. For the best part of the last 11 months, I have done hardly anything except study. Classes, tests, Labour Room, Ward Leavings, exams-it has been one non stop ride. My head is still swimming with Medicine, Surgery and OG and as I look at the mess of books, I pick one up and start reading something at random. I can't help it. It's like quitting cold turkey.
It is the pinnacle of intensity and stress followed by absolute nothingness. The swings are extreme.
The suddenness and intensity with which Final Year ends does not give one any time to actually consider that 4 and half years of student life-the ragging, the tests, the exams, attendance issues-all over. That will take some time to sink in.
I have a long, relaxed shower-my first in a long time (the relaxed bit, that is-I had, of course showered regularly), change and go to Snappy. And for the first time in 4 and half years, since that August in 1993, I sit there with nothing to do except just sit there.
I can sit here as long as I like.
If I pass, I will be an Intern from the 1st of January. But that can wait.
I am free.
If it possible to be delirious with joy and relief, and numb at the same time, then that is what I am. 3 days ago, at the same time, as the sun set with a new day 12 hours away, I was in the throes of terror mixed with depression, with some minor bursts of hope and optimism thrown in.
Anup and Condom come back from their respective exams. The others slowly troop back. Some may have failed but no one can tell. Passing and failing is almost an afterthought, what matters is that the scariest, most unpredictable and stressful set of exams a medical student will ever face is now over.
I call my parents and tell them. I can tell that they have been as stressed as I have been, largely because I have been feeding them stories of Final Year and explaining how normal it is to fail, so that if I actually do, the blow will be softened. Failing really is no big deal. One retakes the failed subjects in 6 months-all that is lost is some time. There is no loss of face because it can happen to the best of us.
I close the door of my room and look around at the mess on the floor, on the bed and the table. Over the past few days, life has been a blur. I have hardly eaten a proper meal for the last 15 days. My shorts, once tight, are in danger of slipping unless I wear a belt. My eyes are red.
And I am really tired.
And in major withdrawal.
I am in study withdrawal. For the best part of the last 11 months, I have done hardly anything except study. Classes, tests, Labour Room, Ward Leavings, exams-it has been one non stop ride. My head is still swimming with Medicine, Surgery and OG and as I look at the mess of books, I pick one up and start reading something at random. I can't help it. It's like quitting cold turkey.
It is the pinnacle of intensity and stress followed by absolute nothingness. The swings are extreme.
The suddenness and intensity with which Final Year ends does not give one any time to actually consider that 4 and half years of student life-the ragging, the tests, the exams, attendance issues-all over. That will take some time to sink in.
I have a long, relaxed shower-my first in a long time (the relaxed bit, that is-I had, of course showered regularly), change and go to Snappy. And for the first time in 4 and half years, since that August in 1993, I sit there with nothing to do except just sit there.
I can sit here as long as I like.
If I pass, I will be an Intern from the 1st of January. But that can wait.
I am free.
wow... awesome wording yet again!
ReplyDeletemy doctor.
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